New Career Opportunity: Balloon Bender

Last night, I went to dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise with my mom and Sissy, and I discovered a career opportunity I had never considered. The restaurant employs a balloon bender, who visits each table, crafting charming creatures from long, skinny balloons. The balloon bender worked for tips, so I gave her $5 to model a two-color butterfly for me and a ladybug wrist balloon for my mom. As she was making small talk and twisting balloons, I said, “You have the best job in the place.” She smiled and said, “I really do. I could never be a server. I’m not nice enough.”

This made me laugh, because even though I was a server and bartender for many years, I really wasn’t nice enough to be working in those professions, either. I’m pretty sure that the reason I drank and consumed various other substances in my youth was because I hated the work. It contrasted with the person I am so much. I’m not a people person, and I tend to treat people the way they treat me. Which was good for a small proportion of restaurant patrons. But if someone was cold and rude to me, well, you can figure out why I sometimes received customer complaints.

But balloon bender! Now, that’s fabulous job! Who can be mean or rude to you when you’re just trying to spread a little inflatable cheer while they enjoy their meal? The rudest someone could be to you is to decline your balloon-twisting services, and in that case, you’d just move on to the next table.

Cheeseburger in Paradise’s balloon bender wore a large badge that said, “I work for tips,” letting customers know that they were expected to cough up some dough to pay the nice lady. I watched in mesmerized fascination as she molded, modeled and twisted balloons into parrots, monkeys, insects, dogs and more. And all I could think was, I want her job.

Now, when I get one of these ideas, I think it through to the end. I’m not happy with just a passing thought of, Oh, that’s something I’d like to do. I actually imagine whether it's something I could do. Sissy is the same way, and together we have developed several million-dollar ideas for businesses. I mean, we’ve had in-depth discussions and come up with entire business plans for these businesses. Unfortunately, none of our ideas have every moved beyond the business plan.

So, when I started thinking about becoming a balloon bender, I thought how I could visit restaurants, stand in the Old Market on the weekends and offer my services (for a fee) to corporations. Whose morale wouldn’t improve with a colorful, adorable balloon adorning their blah cubicles? And think how much money you could make. Our balloon bender was at our table fewer than five minutes and made $5.

Sissy, however, was more interested in learning how to twist a brown balloon into a pile of poo and crafting it into a hat for the people at her job who piss her off, making them, literally, into shitheads.

I, however, think that becoming a balloon bender would be an opportunity to use my creativity for good and bring a little cheer to the world. I know, where is this sun-shininess coming from?

Alas, I am tied to my certain lifestyle and dedicated to paying bills and acting responsibly, so I will never become a professional balloon bender. Nevertheless, it looks like fun, and I might just take it up as a hobby.