02 May 2010

My, Your Balls Are Big

Last week, I was driving behind a giant, full-size pickup truck when I noticed that the owner had proudly given his vehicle a set of balls.

These tacky novelties are sold under the brand names Bulls Balls or Big Boy Nuts, and they’re also known as Truck Balls, Truck Nutz, Biker Nutz and various other names. They’re available in a dazzling array of colors for between $27 and $40 plus shipping; however, if you want the chrome-and-brass balls, you’ll pay $50 plus shipping for those dandies. The tagline for these crass ornaments: Made To Swing.

Big testicles swinging from the back of oversized gas-guzzling vehicles incite irritation in me. If you don’t live in an area populated with rednecks, Husker fans, and super-sized trucks and SUVs, then you may not have had the displeasure of witnessing this spectacle on the road.

What, exactly, is the statement these drivers are trying to make? My truck has balls? My truck’s a boy? My truck can impregnate your car?

I usually figure the bigger the vehicle the smaller the manhood of the man driving it. Obviously he’s trying to overcompensate for something, and as men are so intimately tied to their penises, those with giant vehicles must be trying to compensate for tiny winkies.

Thus, if your vehicle has big balls hanging from it, I assume you are trying to make up for the fact that you have tiny balls. If you hang balls from a huge SUV or truck, then I must assume that you have a small penis and small balls. Sucks to be you in the locker room.

     Hank: “Omigod! Look at Pete’s tiny penis! It’s so SMALL!”
     Pete: “But I drive a giant truck!”
     Al: “Aw, dude, check out his tiny balls! They’re little marbles!”
     Pete: “But my giant truck has big balls!”

     And everyone except Pete laughs until they cry. The end.

What compels people to “decorate” their cars with anything, let alone something like big testicles?

Before you agree with me because you think great big truck nuts are grody, consider whether you are guilty of decorating your own car. Are you one of the people (usually old ladies) I see every day with a row of stupid-ass stuffed animals sitting on the ledge of your rear window? Because if you are, then you’re dumb. Stuffed animals? What is that supposed to convey to passers-by? That you’re cute and cuddly? That you never quite grew up? That you can’t ever be alone and need to tote around your make-believe friends in your car?

I also don’t care how many stick figure kids you have or how many stick-figure pets are in your family. These decals on the back windows of cars make me gag a little. I always see the mommy and daddy, a few kids, and a few pets.

If I have to look at these idiotic emblems, then I want to see some reality mixed in there. I want to see a stick-figure mommy with a few stick-figure kids on the left side of the window and a stick-figure daddy way over on the right side. I want to see a stick-figure daddy with both of the mommies of his children — like daddy in the middle with mommy No. 1 and her kids on the left and mommy No. 2 and her kids on the right. Or, if you’re symbolizing the family across the street from my house, there would be a mommy, two kids, a cat and a long string of boyfriends. Actually, mommy’s stick-figure boyfriends should take up the rest of the window’s length. On a Hummer.

Frankly, I'm tempted to create my own version of these stickers with a stick-figure mommy and three stick-figure cats to represent my family. I’m sure that would actually earn some giggles from other drivers.

(Disclaimer: I have a bright pink rubber ball on my car’s antenna, but that is only so I can find my tiny car in a parking lot of giant, ball-bearing SUVs and trucks, as my car was made before the standardization of key fobs that make your car beep at you.)

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